TEASER

FADE IN:

EXT. LAGOON - ESTABLISHING SHOT - DAY

EXT. LAGOON - DAY

Mary Ann and Gilligan walk down the path to the lagoon. Mary Ann tightly rolls a message so it can fit into the bottle that Gilligan carries. Gilligan removes the cork from the bottle, turns away, and covers his eyes.

MARY ANN

You don't have to close your eyes, Gilligan.

GILLIGAN

It's against the law to read anybody else‘s mail.

Mary Ann places the message into the bottle. She taps it with her palm to make sure it goes in.

MARY ANN

I promise not to report you.

Gilligan replaces the cork.

GILLIGAN

Okay. It'll go out in the two o'clock tide.

MARY ANN

Thank you.

GILLIGAN

Your boyfriend sure is lucky. He not only gets a letter every week, he gets a nickel back on the envelope.

Gilligan walks to the water's edge. He stops, turns to look at Mary Ann, waves, and then tosses the bottle into the lagoon.

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. CAMP - DAY

Skipper sits on the bamboo bicycle seat and pedals the generator. It is connected by wires to a ten coconut cups. Gilligan approaches him from behind.

GILLIGAN

Hi, Skipper. What are you doing?

SKIPPER

I'm recharging the batteries on the radio. Now, if it isn't too exhausting, would you mind turning the radio on to see if it works?

Gilligan turns on the radio and sits down.

RADIO ANNOUNCER (V.O.)

And now here's a social note. Café society was stunned today by the surprise elopement of Cybil Wentworth, the shipping heiress, ...

RADIO

sits on the table. Wires appear to be attached to the generator that Skipper pedals.

RADIO ANNOUNCER (V.O.) (cont'd)

... with Horacce Higgenbothum. Higgenbathurn is said to come from a small town near Horner's ...

BACK TO SCENE

RADIO ANNOUNCER

... Corners, Kansas.

GILLIGAN

Did he say Horace Higgenbothum?

SKIPPER

Yeah.

GILLIGAN

From Horner's Corners?

SKIPPER

That's right. Why? Do you know him?

Skipper stops pedaling and moves closer to Gilligan.

GILLIGAN

That's Mary Ann's boyfriend.

SKIPPER

Mary Ann's boyfriend?

As Skipper sits down at another chair at the table he turns the radio off.

GILLIGAN

Yeah, you know, the one she keeps writing letter to every day. I just mailed one for her.

SKIPPER

Why, that dirty double-crosser! Marrying another girl. For goodness sakes. And doing that to our poor little Mary Ann?

GILLIGAN

Maybe he's trying to make her jealous.

FADE OUT

END OF TEASER

ACT ONE

FADE IN:

EXT. SUPPLY HUT - ESTABLISHING SHOT - DAY

INT. SUPPLY HUT - DAY

Professor, Skipper, and Gilligan discuss Mary Ann's situation. Skipper and Professor stand on opposite sides of a small table. Gilligan stands near the door of the hut and fiddles with his hat.

SKIPPER

Hi, Professor.

PROFESSOR

Well, Skipper, what's the decision?

Professor places one foot on a chair. Skipper motions to Gilligan.

SKIPPER

Well, Gilligan was just about to volunteer.

Gilligan steps forward.

GILLIGAN

Oh, no I'm not!

SKIPPER

Oh, yes you are.

GILLIGAN

Oh, no. Let somebody else tell Mary Ann that some girl stole her boyfriend right out from under her nose with her back turned.

Gilligan makes a face as he realizes that his statement did not make sense.

SKIPPER

Under her nose with her back turned?

PROFESSOR

Well, it's anatomically impossible, of course. However, Gilligan does have a point. He should have freedom of choice.

GILLIGAN

And I choose to wait until after we're rescued, and then Horace can tell her because he knows her better than we do.

Gilligan turns toward the door, but Skipper grabs his arm to stop him.

SKIPPER

Wait a minute, Gilligan. All right, Professor, we'll do this the democratic way.

Gilligan turns toward the door again, but Skipper grabs his arm to stop him again.

GILLIGAN

I'll buy that.

SKIPPER

Yes, Gilligan. Now all those in favor of Gilligan telling Mary Ann raise your right hand.

Skipper and Professor both raise their right hands.

SKIPPER (cont'd)

There you are, Gilligan. Two-to-one.

Skipper turns Gilligan around and pats him on the hip.

SKIPPER (cont'd)

On your way, little buddy.

Gilligan walks to the door, opens it, and turns around.

GILLIGAN

If that's the democratic way, I'm gonna turn into Republican.

Gilligan turns around and the door hits him in the face, knocking his hat off. He picks up his hat, and exits to camp.

EXT. CAMP - DAY

Mary Ann cooks a pot of mushrooms over a fire. The radio sits on a nearby table with pot holders, a mixing bowl, plate, spoon, and fork. Mary Ann dips a spoon in the pot, takes it out, blows lightly on the spoon, picks a mushroom out of the spoon, and eats it. She smiles, pleased with the taste. She wipes her hand on a pot holder. Mary Ann turns on the radio and sits down to listen to it.

RADIO NARRATOR (V.O.)

Now once again, it's time for radio's most popular dramatic series, "Old Doctor Young." When last we left County Hospital, Eileen Frobersher had been admitted for a checkup. Unbeknownst to her, her X-rays revealed something.

Mary Ann looks concerned.

RADIO NARRATOR (V.O.) (cont'd)

Meanwhile, in another part of the hospital old Doctor Young is talking to his son, young Doctor Young.

OLD DR YOUNG (V.O.)

Son, the young and lovely Eileen Frobersher must be told about her X-rays.

Gilligan appears from the jungle behind Mary Ann. He hears the radio program and stops.

YOUNG DR YOUNG (V.O.)

But, Father, should we tell her now?

OLD DR YOUNG (V.O.)

Not "we." You. And right now.

He listens to it and gulps, almost as if the words were meant for him.

YOUNG DR YOUNG (V.O.)

If that is my duty, then I shall do it.

Gilligan walks toward Mary Ann.

OLD DR YOUNG (V.O.)

Son, you are walking the wrong way.

Gilligan stops.

YOUNG DR YOUNG (V.O.)

Because I cannot just burst into her room and blurt out the results of the X-rays. That I cannot do.

Gilligan shakes his head.

YOUNG DR YOUNG (V.O.) (cont'd)

You will have to assign someone else to the job.

Gilligan nods in agreement. He turns and walks back toward the jungle.

OLD DR YOUNG (V.O.)

Son, be a man. Remember the Hippocratic oath.

Gilligan stops and turns toward Mary Ann again.

YOUNG DR YOUNG (V.O.)

Yes, father. You are always right.

Gilligan weakly nods.

YOUNG DR YOUNG (V.O.) (cont'd)

I will do it!

Gilligan walks toward Mary Ann.

YOUNG DR YOUNG (V.O.) (cont'd)

Tomorrow.

Gilligan turns around again and heads into the jungle. Mary Ann eats mushrooms from the spoon.

FLIP TO:

INT. SUPPLY HUT - DAY

Skipper sits on a table. Professor sits at the table. Gilligan stands by the door. Skipper stands up and paces as the lectures Gilligan.

SKIPPER

Can't you do anything right?

GILLIGAN

You see --

SKIPPER

For goodness sakes, I mean, must you goof up the simplest assignment?

GILLIGAN

Well, you see --

SKIPPER

Around here, it's talk, talk, talk, talk, but not a word to Mary Ann.

Professor stands and joins the discussion.

PROFESSOR

Gentlemen, this arguing isn't getting us anywhere.

GILLIGAN

I wasn't arguing. All I was saying was, "You see." He was the one who was arguing.

PROFESSOR

Well, I can see that I'm going to have to tell her myself.

Professor exits.

SKIPPER

I wanna tell you, he beat me by that much. Another second, and I'd have told her.

GILLIGAN

Oh, I can still catch him.

Gilligan turns and walks toward the door. Skipper restrains him by the back of Gilligan's shirt. He pulls Gilligan back.

SKIPPER

Thanks a lot, little buddy.

EXT. CAMP - DAY

Mary Ann listens to the end of the radio program. She's practically in tears over the plight of Eileen Frobersher.

RADIO NARRATOR (V.O.)

And so we conclude another chapter in the story of Old Doctor Young.

Mary Ann turns off the radio. She wipes tears from her cheeks, stands, and moves to her cooking pot. Professor emerges from the jungle behind her. Mary Ann dips the spoon in the pot again and picks a mushroom off the spoon and eats it.

PROFESSOR

Hello, Mary Ann. Say --

(notices the kettle)

Oh, something smells good. What are you cooking?

MARY ANN

Mushrooms. I picked them myself.

PROFESSOR

Oh, that's nice. Uh, Mary Ann--

MARY ANN

Yes?

PROFESSOR

Uh, there's something I've gotta tell you.

MARY ANN

Is something wrong?

PROFESSOR

Well, yes, there is.

Mary Ann sits down on the chair.

MARY ANN

Well, it couldn't be half as bad as--as what happened to poor Eileen Frobersher. I wouldn't trade places with her for anything else in the world.

Professor quizzically looks at Mary Ann.

PROFESSOR

Who?

Mary Ann gestures to the radio.

MARY ANN

Eileen Frobersher, the poor girl on the radio.

PROFESSOR

Oh, yes, of course. Well, you see, it's just that--uh-uh, the mushrooms. You've got to be careful.

MARY ANN

Careful? About what?

PROFESSOR

The--the species. I mean, some mushrooms and toadstools can make you quite ill and others are actually poisonous.

Mary Ann stands.

MARY ANN

Poisonous?

PROFESSOR

Oh, you can never tell. You've got to get rid of those.

Professor heads back into the jungle. Mary Ann uses the pot holders to help her remove the pot from the fire.

FLIP TO:

EXT. CAMP - DAY

Skipper, Gilligan, and Professor sit at the castaway's dining table. Gilligan rests is head on this arm. Mr. Howell sits on the table, sipping from a straw in a tall bamboo drinking glass. Ginger stands.

GINGER

Well, it's a good thing you didn't say anything to Mary Ann. I mean, that'd be all wrong.

GILLIGAN

It would?

GINGER

Well, certainly. There's only one thing that can ease her breaking heart when she hears about Horace Higgenbothum. I mean, only one thing can make a girl forget a man.

MR HOWELL

What's that, Ginger?

GINGER

Another man. You see, Mary Ann needs a dream man. Someone very exciting to just come along and sweep her off her feet.

MR HOWELL

Well, I'm terribly sorry, Ginger, but I'm already married.

GINGER

Well, Mister Howell, there's three eligible bachelors on the island.

Mr. Howell stands and walks behind Ginger.

MR HOWELL

You're so right! With three attractive bachelors vying for her attention all thoughts of Horace will vanish.

GINGER

Exactly.

PROFESSOR

Now, just a moment. I have never shown the slightest romantic interest in Mary Ann.

GINGER

Professor, a few lessons at my private charm school and you'll just captivate her.

Skipper stands too.

SKIPPER

Oh, now wait a minute, Ginger. I've been acting like her big brother. I can't act like her boyfriend now.

MR HOWELL

For her sake, it's Casanova time, Captain. I'm going to take you in hand.

GILLIGAN

What about me? Who's gonna teach me?

MR HOWELL

It's a nasty trick to play on my wife, but, uh,

(in French)

c'est la guerre.

FLIP TO:

INT. HOWELLS HUT - DAY

Gilligan kneels before Mrs. Howell. He holds her hand in both of his.

GILLIGAN

Your hair, with the light shining on it, is breathtakingly beautiful.

MRS HOWELL

Oh, Gilligan!

Gilligan stands.

GILLIGAN

And your eyes are limpid pools of indigo blue.

MRS HOWELL

Oh, Gilligan!

GILLIGAN

Shell-like ears and pearly teeth. Those lips, those nose!

MRS HOWELL

Oh, Gilligan.

Mrs. Howell drops her hand and Gilligan releases hers.

GILLIGAN

I'm sorry, Missus Howell, but I -- I am improving. This time I got as far as the nose before I blew it.

MRS HOWELL

You're supposed to charm Mary Ann, not take inventory. Now, can't you use a more romantic voice?

(sultry)

More breathless.

GILLIGAN

Mary Ann, you're peachy keen.

Gilligan wheezes.

MRS HOWELL

Gilligan, you're supposed to sound romantic, not asthmatic.

GILLIGAN

Not so good, huh?

MRS HOWELL

No, we'll have to try another approach. We'll pattern you after somebody else. Now, let me see. Oh, I have it. Charles Boyer!

FLIP TO:

INT. SUPPLY HUT - DAY

MR. HOWELL

kneels on the ground, making a grand romantic gesture.

MR HOWELL

"How do I love thee?"

PULL BACK to reveal Mr. Howell holding Skipper's hand.

MR HOWELL (cont'd)

"Let me count the ways. I love thee to the depth and breadth and height that my soul can reach."

Skipper fidgets.

SKIPPER

Oh, Mister Howell, I -- I feel so silly. Must you hold my hand like that?

Mr. Howell stands and releases Skipper's hand.

MR HOWELL

Well, I'm just trying to show you how to act. That's all.

Mr. Howell puts his hat on. Skipper sits on the table.

SKIPPER

Oh, I know. But I -- Mister Howell -- I me -- I can't recite poetry. It just isn't my image.

MR HOWELL

Your image? Just exactly what is your image?

SKIPPER

Well, I've always figured myself as the big outdoor type.

MR HOWELL

Well, you are built like the Ponderosa.

SKIPPER

Oh, no. You know what I mean. The big, strong, silent type. You know, I've always thought that I should be a cowboy.

MR HOWELL

Somewhere there breathes a horse that is glad that you are not.

SKIPPER

Come on, Mister Howell. Now you know how the girls are always crazy about Marshal Dillon.

MR HOWELL

Come to think of it, they do favor outdoor types. Yes, yes.

Skipper stands.

SKIPPER

Exactly. I mean, they like men that talk about

(cowboy voice)

riding the range, and--and bulldogging, and shootouts, and all that sort of thing.

Skipper swaggers toward the door and turns to look toward Mr. Howell.

MR HOWELL

Okay, Branco Billy, head her off at the pass!

Skipper salutes.

SKIPPER

(cowboy voice)

You're on, partner.

Skipper opens the door and swaggers out.

MR HOWELL

They went that-a-way.

INT. GIRLS HUT - DAY

Professor enters through the door. He walks over to Ginger, who role-plays Mary Ann. Ginger sits at a small table. She holds a hand mirror and spritzes perfume over her neckline.

PROFESSOR

Good evening, Mary Ann.

Ginger puts the perfume and mirror down on the table.

PROFESSOR (cont'd)

(awkwardly)

Ah, you look very healthy tonight.

GINGER

Oh, brother.

Professor reflects on his performance.

PROFESSOR

Oh, that wasn't much like Cary Grant, was it?

GINGER

It wasn't even very much like General Grant.

PROFESSOR

I'll never be able to learn this.

Ginger stands and moves over to Professor.

GINGER

Let me show you, Professor. Now -- pretend that I'm Cary Grant.

PROFESSOR

You?

GINGER

Yeah. Pretend that I'm tall, charming, loaded with masculinity.

PROFESSOR

Well, I shall find it very easy to pretend you're tall and charming, but -- uh -- you've got the wrong kind of load.

GINGER

Well, we're just pretending, Professor. Now, Cary is the kind of man who sweeps a girl off her feet. He'd take her in his arms, like this,

(embraces him)

and he'd whisper her name over and over and over. Mary Ann. Mary Ann. Mary Ann.

PROFESSOR

Isn't that a bit redundant?

Ginger releases her embrace.

GINGER

Professor, a girl likes to hear her name! Now, let's try it again.

Professor licks his lips. Ginger embraces him.

GINGER (cont'd)

Mary Ann. Mary Ann. Mary Ann.

(whispers)

Now you whisper something to me.

PROFESSOR

Uh, Cary?

GINGER

Yes?

Professor sniffs.

PROFESSOR

Gee, you smell nice tonight.

GINGER

Oh.

Ginger pushes Professor away. He falls back onto one of the girls' beds.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. GIRLS HUT - NIGHT

Mary Ann sits at a small table and sews a dress. A knock at the door.

MARY ANN

Come in.

Gilligan enters wearing a beret and carries a bouquet of mostly blue flowers. He wears a thin mustache, which was drawn on his upper lip.

GILLIGAN

Ah,

(in French)

Mon cheri, quel

surprise to find you at home. I brought these

(in French)

pour vous.

Gilligan hands the bouquet of flowers to Mary Ann. She accepts them, but looks puzzled.

GILLIGAN (cont'd)

And now, I kiss your hand, huh?

Gilligan reaches for her hand and pulls it toward him. The bouquet in Mary Ann's hand hits Gilligan in the face. He pushes the bouquet to the side and kisses her hand with noisy kissing sounds before finally releasing it.

MARY ANN

Gilligan, do you feel all right?

Gilligan gently helps Mary Ann to her feet and guides her across the room.

GILLIGAN

(in French)

Oui.

Come, let us sit over here, so I can tell you about the

(in French)

le Plume de ma Tante,

which is across the street from the Casbah.

(in French)

Oui. Casbah, hmmm?

Gilligan puckers and makes kissing motions. A knock at the door.

MARY ANN

Uh -- I'll be right back.

Mary Ann uses the opportunity to get away from Gilligan. Flower bouquet in hand, she answers the door. Skipper stands outside, looking down. He wears a cowboy hat, a starfish for a badge, and a belt with holsters. He also carries a bouquet of pink flowers. He looks up as Mary Ann opens the door.

SKIPPER

Howdy, ma'am!

MARY ANN

Oh, Skipper, come on in.

Mary Ann holds the door open for him. Skipper saunters into the hut, but does not notice Gilligan.

MARY ANN (cont'd)

Oh boy, am I glad to see you. Oh, the strangest thing just happened. Gilligan came --

Skippers belt drops the the floor and he picks it up.

MARY ANN (cont'd)

"Howdy, ma'am"?

SKIPPER

Yup. I sure am glad to see you're alone, ma'am.

MARY ANN

Well, I'm not exactly. You see, I was sewing on this dress, and Gilligan just came --

Skipper hands Mary Ann the bouquet of flowers.

SKIPPER

Here, ma'am. I picked these for you down at the corral.

She accepts them.

MARY ANN

Corral?

GILLIGAN

Is that anywhere near the Casbah?

Skipper turns and sees Gilligan.

SKIPPER

Oh, I'm sorry, ma'am. Pardon me. I thought you was alone.

(to Gilligan)

Howdy, partner!

A knock at the door.

MARY ANN

Oh, come in.

Professor opens the door and enters with his own bouquet of violet and yellow flowers. He embraces Mary Ann and slightly dips her.

PROFESSOR

Mary Ann, Mary Ann, Mary Ann.

MARY ANN

Professor!

PROFESSOR

Just a minute, I've got a few more "Mary Anns."

He pulls her upright and releases his embrace.

PROFESSOR (cont'd)

First, I want you to put these into a vase.

He adds his bouquet to the other two held by Mary Ann.

MARY ANN

I see you've been down to the corral, too.

Professor gives her a one-armed hug around her shoulders.

PROFESSOR

Corral? Why, my dear, you do have a sense of humor.

(re: Gilligan and Skipper)

And what have we here?

MARY ANN

Oh, that's exactly what I'm trying to figure out.

PROFESSOR

My dear, they're not good enough for you. Not half good enough.

GILLIGAN

That is not true, you -- you -- limey.

Professor releases Mary Ann and takes an awkward fighting stance toward Gilligan and Skipper.

PROFESSOR

Limey, eh? Why, I've got half a mind to teach you a lesson.

Gilligan grabs a small broom from the sewing table and mock fences with Professor.

GILLIGAN

It's a duel you want, huh? En garde!

Skipper moves in between Gilligan and Professor and holds them apart.

SKIPPER

Now, wait a minute, you two. I don't advise no fighting around here while I'm here.

GILLIGAN

Stay out of this, Sheriff John.

Gilligan uses the small broom to strike Skipper in the belly. Mary Ann tosses all three bouquets into the air, opens the door, and runs out of the hut.

MARY ANN

They've flipped! They've gone stark raving mad!

INT. HOWELLS HUT - NIGHT

Mr. Howell sits on Mrs. Howell's bed. Mrs. Howell holds a dress. Ginger examines the dress. Mary Ann calls to them from outside.

MARY ANN (O.S.)

Oh, Mister Howell, Missus Howell!

MR HOWELL

Come in, child.

Mary Ann opens the door and enters.

MARY ANN

Oh, Mister Howell, you've got to help. It's Gilligan, Skipper, and the Professor. They've gone island happy! Oh, you've got to help me, please.

She tugs at Mr. Howell's arm.

MR HOWELL

Let's just discuss this calmly, my dear.

MARY ANN

Oh, you girls have got to hide. In the closet, under a bed, in a trunk. Oh, please Mister Howell, hurry!

GINGER

What's wrong with you, Mary Ann?

MARY ANN

Oh, it's not me. It's them.

MRS HOWELL

Them?

MARY ANN

Oh, yes. You see, I was sewing on a dress, and Gilligan came in and he thought he was Charles Boyer.

MRS HOWELL

Oh, good for him!

MARY ANN

Oh, and then the Skipper came in and thought he was Matt Dillon, and he had a fight with Cary Grant.

GINGER

What a parlay. Next time you have a dream like that, send for me.

MARY ANN

But it wasn't a dream, Ginger.

MR HOWELL

They're just trying to make an impression on you, darling.

MARY ANN

They impressed me all right. They impressed me right out of my wits.

MRS HOWELL

Well, you'd better get right back there. Without feminine influences, no telling what they might do to each other.

Mary Ann turns to exit.

FLIP TO:

EXT. GIRLS HUT - NIGHT

Mary Ann approaches the girls hut from the outside. As she approaches, she overhears the men.

SKIPPER (O.S.)

How long we have to keep up this masquerade?

Mary Ann backs away so she is not seen.

PROFESSOR (O.S.)

Well, I'm not sure. A young girl like Mary Ann, I'd give her about a week.

SKIPPER (O.S.)

Poor kid. I wish there was an easier way to tell her.

INT. GIRLS HUT - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS

Still dressed as Charles Boyer, Marshal Matt Dillon, and Cary Grant, the men discuss Mary Ann. Professor stands with his arms folded across his chest.

GILLIGAN

Same thing happened to a friend of my sister's.

PROFESSOR

How long did it take her to get over it?

GILLIGAN

She never recovered.

EXT. GIRLS HUT - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS

Mary Ann drops her jaw.

SKIPPER (O.S.)

Poor Mary Ann.

MARY ANN

Oh. Mushrooms. They were poisonous. Oh, no wonder they're being so nice to me. They don't want to tell me I'm gonna die. Oh!

Mary Ann starts crying, turns, and runs into the jungle.

FADE OUT

END OF ACT ONE

ACT TWO

FADE IN:

EXT. GIRLS HUT - ESTABLISHING SHOT - DAY

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. GIRLS HUT - DAY

Mary Ann sits at a small table and listens to her radio program.

RADIO NARRATOR (V.O.)

Young Doctor Young, on the advice of his father the doctor, has told her the results of the X-rays. Eileen speaks.

RADIO

EILEEN FROBERSHER (V.O.)

Doctor, please don't spare me. Tell me everything. How much longer do I have?

YOUNG DR YOUNG (V.O.)

A week, perhaps. Maybe less.

BACK TO SCENE

Mary Ann tries to hold back tears.

EILEEN FROBERSHER (V.O.)

I will spend it alone. I will not burden others with my problems.

Mary Ann shakes her head.

YOUNG DR YOUNG (V.O.)

That is wrong, very wrong.

Mary Ann looks hopeful.

YOUNG DR YOUNG (V.O.) (cont'd)

You must -- you must seek out your friends. Be honest with them.

Mary Ann weakly nods.

EILEEN FROBERSHER (V.O.)

Tell them that I know? Face it with a -- a smile?

YOUNG DR YOUNG (V.O.)

Yes. And above all, be brave.

EILEEN FROBERSHER (V.O.)

Oh, Doctor, I will be brave!

Mary Ann sniffles and turns off the radio. She stands to declare.

MARY ANN

And I'll be as brave as you, Eileen Frobersher.

Mary Ann sniffles again.

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. CAMP - DAY

Skipper and Gilligan sit in chairs at the end of the dining table. They arm wrestle. Skipper beats Gilligan repeatedly. Skipper's arm hits the table surface with almost no resistance from Gilligan's arm.

SKIPPER

... Twenty-eight, twenty-nine, thirty, thirty-one, thirty-two, thirty --

Mary Ann appears behind them. Gilligan tries to brace his arm with the other.

SKIPPER (cont'd)

Oh, Gilligan, you're not even trying.

MARY ANN

Hi, Gilligan. Hi, Skipper.

SKIPPER

Hi, Mary Ann.

MARY ANN

I came over to thank you for last night.

SKIPPER

For last night?

MARY ANN

Well, I know why you were trying to cheer me up, and I wanted to say I appreciate it.

Gilligan stands.

GILLIGAN

Who told you?

MARY ANN

Nobody told me. I overheard the Professor talking to both of you about it.

Skipper stands.

SKIPPER

Oh, that's wonderful, Mary Ann. You're quite a girl for taking it so calmly.

GILLIGAN

We thought you'd like cry and stamp your feet and everything.

MARY ANN

I decided to be brave.

SKIPPER

Good girl. You might just as well make the best of it.

MARY ANN

Huh?

GILLIGAN

Yeah. It'll all be over in a little while.

MARY ANN

Oh.

GILLIGAN

Let's go tell the others. They'll be real happy she's taking it like a man, considering she's a girl.

Gilligan guides Mary Ann away from the dining table. Skipper shakes his head.

INT. HOWELLS HUT - DAY

Mr. Howell and Mrs. Howell recline on Mr. Howell's bed. Mr. Howell holds a bamboo drinking glass with a straw and flower sticking out.

GILLIGAN (O.S.)

Mister and Missus Howell --

Gilligan opens the doors to the Howells hut. Gilligan barges in to their hut. Mary Ann follows closely behind.

GILLIGAN

Wait till you hear the good news. Mary Ann knows, and she's calm as anything.

Mary Ann nods.

MRS HOWELL

Oh, what a relief. Thurston, did you hear that? Now we can stop pretending.

MR HOWELL

Yes, Mary Ann, you have our sympathy, though I must say it's a small loss.

MARY ANN

(horrified)

What?

MRS HOWELL

Thurston, must you be so blunt?

MR HOWELL

Well, it's not the end of the world.

GILLIGAN

Sure, this kind of thing happens every day.

Mrs. Howell stands, walks over to Mary Ann and attempts to comfort her.

MRS HOWELL

Yes, dear. We cry a little and then we forget.

Mr. Howell places his bamboo glass on the night stand and stands.

MR HOWELL

I've got a good idea. Why don't we give a party to celebrate? I've been saving a bottle of bubbly, 1932 --

MARY ANN

(tearfully)

Oh, how can you all be so callous at a time like this? How can you think of giving in a party at a time like this?

Mary Ann turns, heads for the door, and exits.

MRS HOWELL

Whatever's the matter with that poor little girl?

MR HOWELL

Well, I admit 1932 was a bad year, but to get so hysterical about it. She probably cries over a bad Crêpe Suzette.

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. GIRLS HUT - ESTABLISHING SHOT - NIGHT

INT. GIRLS HUT - NIGHT

Mary Ann lies in her bed. Her head rests on pillows as she begins dreaming. The men's words repeat in her head.

PROFESSOR (V.O.)

Ah, the poor girl. I'll give her a week. Maybe less.

SKIPPER (V.O.)

It would break my heart to have to tell her.

Mary Ann changes position. Her dreams disturb her sleep.

GILLIGAN (V.O.)

Same thing happened to a friend of my sister's. She never recovered. Never recovered. Never recovered.

SKIPPER (V.O.)

She's so sweet and innocent.

GILLIGAN (V.O.)

Never recovered.

Mary Ann's face twitches.

PROFESSOR (V.O.)

You can't be sure about mushrooms. They might be poisonous.

GILLIGAN (V.O.)

Never recovered.

PROFESSOR (V.O.)

Mushrooms.

SKIPPER (V.O.)

She's so sweet and innocent.

GILLIGAN (V.O.)

Never recovered.

RIPPLE MATCH DISSOLVE TO:

DREAM SEQUENCE - INT. HOSPITAL ROOM - DAY

Mary Ann lies in a hospital bed. She wakes in her dream. Her eyes open and she looks around. She sits up, holding the sheet closely.

MARY ANN/MARY ANN FROBERSHER

Where am I?

Mary Ann reaches for, and finds the call button to contact a nurse. She speaks into the microphone.

MARY ANN/MARY ANN FROBERSHER (cont'd)

Nurse? Nurse? Nurse!

Mrs. Howell/Nurse Blabbermouth enters.

MRS HOWELL/NURSE BLABBERMOUTH

Did you ring, my dear?

MARY ANN/MARY ANN FROBERSHER

What am I doing in the hospital? What's wrong with me?

Mrs. Howell/Nurse Blabbermouth closes the door.

MRS HOWELL/NURSE BLABBERMOUTH

I'm sorry, but I'm not allowed to tell a patient with a fatal disease what's wrong with them.

MARY ANN/MARY ANN FROBERSHER

You mean I have a fatal disease?

MRS HOWELL/NURSE BLABBERMOUTH

Wherever did you get that idea?

MARY ANN/MARY ANN FROBERSHER

From you.

MRS HOWELL/NURSE BLABBERMOUTH

Oh, no wonder all the nurses call me Miss Blabbermouth.

Mary Ann lies back on the bed. A KNOCK at the door.

MRS HOWELL/NURSE BLABBERMOUTH (cont'd)

Come in.

The door opens. Mr. Howell/Dr. Zorbagalespie enters.

MR HOWELL/DOCTOR ZORBAGALESPIE

Ah, good morning, Nurse.

He closes the door behind him.

MRS HOWELL/NURSE BLABBERMOUTH

Good morning, Doctor.

MR HOWELL/DOCTOR ZORBAGALESPIE

Great day to be alive.

(glances at Mary Ann)

For some of us, that is.

Mrs. Howell/Nurse Blabbermouth laughs.

MRS HOWELL/NURSE BLABBERMOUTH

You're always a million laughs, Doctor.

MR HOWELL/DOCTOR ZORBAGALESPIE

Thank you. And who have we here?

Mr. Howell/Dr. Zorbagalespie folds his arms across his chest. Mary Ann still tightly holds the sheet.

MARY ANN/MARY ANN FROBERSHER

I'm Mary Ann. Who are you?

MR HOWELL/DOCTOR ZORBAGALESPIE

I'm kindly Doctor Zorbagalespie, lovable Chief of Staff, that's who -- inquisitive little creature, isn't she?

Mr. Howell/Dr. Zorbagalespie moves to the foot of the bed. He reviews her chart.

MR HOWELL/DOCTOR ZORBAGALESPIE (cont'd)

"Mary Ann Frobersher."

MRS HOWELL/NURSE BLABBERMOUTH

That's who she was, all right.

Mary Ann sits up.

MARY ANN/MARY ANN FROBERSHER

"Was"?

MR HOWELL/DOCTOR ZORBAGALESPIE

You must be the one they call Miss Blabbermouth.

Mrs. Howell/Nurse Blabbermouth grins gleefully.

MR HOWELL/DOCTOR ZORBAGALESPIE (cont'd)

Well, this doesn't look too bad.

The unlabeled chart has a grid and a jagged line that increases from left-to-right. Mrs. Howell/Nurse Blabbermouth turns the chart 90 degrees. The chart shows a jagged line that decreases from left-to-right.

MR HOWELL/DOCTOR ZORBAGALESPIE (cont'd)

Oh, yes, yes. Ooh. Ooh.

(whistles)

Ha-ha. Wowie! Whoo! Ooh. Well, there's nothing to worry about, my dear.

MARY ANN/MARY ANN FROBERSHER

I have a feeling that you're hiding something from me.

MR HOWELL/DOCTOR ZORBAGALESPIE

Nonsense!

Mary Ann lies back down.

MR HOWELL/DOCTOR ZORBAGALESPIE (cont'd)

(sotto, to Nurse Blabbermouth)

This room will be available this afternoon.

MRS HOWELL/NURSE BLABBERMOUTH

Shall we charge her for the full day?

Mary Ann sits up.

MARY ANN/MARY ANN FROBERSHER

Please, I have to see old Doctor Young.

MR HOWELL/DOCTOR ZORBAGALESPIE

Well, you can't see old Doctor Young. He's on another case. He can't be bothered.

MARY ANN/MARY ANN FROBERSHER

Bothered? But I'm gonna die!

MR HOWELL/DOCTOR ZORBAGALESPIE

Well, that's exactly the sort of thing that bothers him.

MARY ANN/MARY ANN FROBERSHER

Nurse, let me see young Doctor Young. I'm awfully sick.

MRS HOWELL/NURSE BLABBERMOUTH

My dear, this is a hospital. We have more important things to do than take care of sick people.

MARY ANN/MARY ANN FROBERSHER

"More important"?

Mrs. Howell/Nurse Blabbermouth removes a small mirror from her pocket, looks into it, and primps her hair.

MRS HOWELL/NURSE BLABBERMOUTH

We're preparing a tee vee series.

MARY ANN/MARY ANN FROBERSHER

Oh, please, I've gotta see somebody.

Mrs. Howell/Nurse Blabbermouth places the mirror back into her pocket.

MR HOWELL/DOCTOR ZORBAGALESPIE

Yes, and so you shall, my dear. You shall indeed. We are flying in -- at no expense to us mind you, but a bundle to you -- three of the most important surgeons in the world.

(to Nurse Blabbermouth)

Mustn't keep them waiting, my dear.

MRS HOWELL/NURSE BLABBERMOUTH

I'll send them in the moment they arrive, Doctor.

Mrs. Howell/Nurse Blabbermouth exits and closes the door behind her.

MR HOWELL/DOCTOR ZORBAGALESPIE

I, Miss Frobersher, shall make other arrangements.

MARY ANN/MARY ANN FROBERSHER

"Other arrangements"?

MR HOWELL/DOCTOR ZORBAGALESPIE

The next of kin and who rides with the family.

Mary Ann lies back on the bed. Mr. Howell/Dr. Zorbagalespie opens the door to discover Gilligan/Dr. Boyer outside. Gilligan/Dr. Boyer wears a surgical mask and gown. With a beret and a thin mustache.

MR HOWELL/DOCTOR ZORBAGALESPIE (cont'd)

Oh, so nice to see you, Doctor -- Doctor, uh --

Mr. Howell/Dr. Zorbagalespie pulls down Gilligan's/Dr. Boyer's mask to recognize him.

MR HOWELL/DOCTOR ZORBAGALESPIE (cont'd)

Doctor Boyer!

GILLIGAN/DOCTOR BOYER

Please, I do not have time for the chitchat, Doctor. I, uh -- hope I have not arrived too late, huh?

MR HOWELL/DOCTOR ZORBAGALESPIE

Of course, of course. The services won't be until tomorrow.

Mr. Howell/Dr. Zorbagalespie exits.

GILLIGAN/DOCTOR BOYER

Miss Frobersher, neither the wind nor the rain, nor the dark of night could keep me from your side.

MARY ANN/MARY ANN FROBERSHER

Isn't that what the mailmen say?

GILLIGAN/DOCTOR BOYER

(in French)

Oui.

I graduated from a correspondence school.

MARY ANN/MARY ANN FROBERSHER

Doctor, you've got to tell me the truth, please.

GILLIGAN/DOCTOR BOYER

First, I take the pulse, huh?

Gilligan/Doctor Boyer checks Mary Ann's wrist for a pulse. Not finding one, he moves up her forearm, and then up to her shoulder. Mary Ann pulls her arm away from Gilligan and turns away from him.

GILLIGAN/DOCTOR BOYER (cont'd)

Oh, well.

Gilligan/Doctor Boyer pulls the sheet over Mary Ann. Mary Ann pushes the sheet back down.

MARY ANN/MARY ANN FROBERSHER

But, Doctor, I'm still alive!

GILLIGAN/DOCTOR BOYER

Please, when I make a diagnosis, it's final.

Gilligan/Doctor Boyer pulls the sheet over Mary Ann again. Mary Ann pushes the sheet back down. Gilligan/Doctor Boyer pulls the sheet over Mary Ann again. Mary Ann pushes the sheet back down. After a brief pause, Mary Ann pulls the sheet up over herself. Gilligan/Doctor Boyer pulls the sheet down. Mary Ann pulls the sheet up. Gilligan/Doctor Boyer pulls the sheet down.

GILLIGAN/DOCTOR BOYER (cont'd)

Hey, something is wrong.

A knock at the door. Gilligan/Doctor Boyer walks over to the door and opens it. Skipper/Doctor Dillon stands there. His face is covered with a surgical mask, but looks like a villain from a Western movie, but with a gray cowboy hat. On his surgical gown a starfish sits where a badge should be. A belt holds holsters. Skipper/Dr. Dillon rests his hands on his holstered guns. Gilligan/Doctor Boyer puts his hands up as if her were held up.

SKIPPER/DOCTOR DILLON

Put your hands down, partner. It's me.

Skipper/Doctor Dillon pulls the surgical mask down.

GILLIGAN/DOCTOR BOYER

Oh, it's old Doc Dillon, specialist from the West.

SKIPPER/DOCTOR DILLON

Where's this sick filly?

GILLIGAN/DOCTOR BOYER

Right this way, Doctor.

Gilligan/Dr. Boyer closes the door.

SKIPPER/DOCTOR DILLON

Well, sorry, ma'am. Got here as soon as I could.

A HORSE WHINNIES.

MARY ANN/MARY ANN FROBERSHER

You came by horse?

SKIPPER/DOCTOR DILLON

Well, that's what slowed me down a little. You see, I got a ticket on the freeway--for attracting flies.

GILLIGAN/DOCTOR BOYER

Doctor, this is a very sick girl.

SKIPPER/DOCTOR DILLON

Well, I'll have this case diagnosed in no time. Let me see what it says here on the last roundup. Well, now.

SKIPPER/DOCTOR DILLON'S HAND

feels the bed frame.

SKIPPER/DOCTOR DILLON (cont'd)

We got a broken fetlock.

BACK TO SCENE

Mary Ann sits up.

MARY ANN/MARY ANN FROBERSHER

Doctor, that's the bedpost.

GILLIGAN/DOCTOR BOYER

Don't listen to her. She thinks she knows everything.

Exasperated, Mary Ann lies back down.

MARY ANN/MARY ANN FROBERSHER

Come in, please!

The door opens and Professor/Dr. Grant enters. He walks over to Gilligan.

PROFESSOR/DOCTOR GRANT

Dear, dear, dear, you look awful.

Gilligan/Dr. Boyer looks back quizzically.

SKIPPER/DOCTOR DILLON

Oh, he ain't the patient.

Professor/Dr. Grant turns to Skipper/Dr. Dillon.

PROFESSOR/DOCTOR GRANT

Why, you look even worse.

Mary Ann sits up.

MARY ANN/MARY ANN FROBERSHER

I'm the patient!

Professor/Dr. Grant moves to Mary Ann's bedside.

PROFESSOR/DOCTOR GRANT

Oh, well, stick out your tongue.

As instructed, Mary Ann sticks out her tongue and faces Professor/Dr. Grant. Professor/Dr. Grant turns her head and looks in her ear.

PROFESSOR/DOCTOR GRANT (cont'd)

Ah, yes. Well, I think we're going to have to operate.

MARY ANN/MARY ANN FROBERSHER

Operate? What have I got?

PROFESSOR/DOCTOR GRANT

Well, you've got a severe case of roomis igloomis.

GILLIGAN/DOCTOR BOYER

That is what you have, all right.

MARY ANN/MARY ANN FROBERSHER

What is roomis igloomis?

PROFESSOR/DOCTOR GRANT

It's a medical term, my dear. No concern of yours.

MARY ANN/MARY ANN FROBERSHER

Oh, but I'm the one who's got it.

PROFESSOR/DOCTOR GRANT

Well, if you insist upon knowing -- "igooomis" is from the Eskimo word "igooo," meaning "mush." "Roomis" is from the Latin word "motel" meaning "vacancy" -- or in the layman's tongue, "room." Therefore, roomis igloomis. "mush room."

MARY ANN/MARY ANN FROBERSHER

Mush room. Mushrooms! I ate poison mushrooms!

GILLIGAN/DOCTOR BOYER

That is the only way to catch roomis igloomis.

SKIPPER/DOCTOR DILLON

Well, let's get on with the operation. I got to get back to a sick calf.

GILLIGAN/DOCTOR BOYER

I will ring for the operating nurse. Where is the ringer? Huh?

Gilligan/Dr. Boyer looks for the ringer at the side of Mary Ann's bed.

GILLIGAN/DOCTOR BOYER (cont'd)

The ringer? Huh? Ringer?

Ginger/Nurse enters and doesn't completely close the door behind her.

GINGER/NURSE

You rang, Doctor?

GILLIGAN/DOCTOR BOYER

Not yet.

(turns to Ginger)

Oh, this kind of nurse is my kind of nurse.

Professor/Dr. Grant rushes to the other side of Ginger/Nurse.

PROFESSOR/DOCTOR GRANT

Now, see here, Doctor! We haven't got time for tomfoolery.

GINGER/NURSE

Oh, yes, we do. I've got time for Tom Foolery, Dick, and Harry Foolery, too.

SKIPPER/DOCTOR DILLON

We got to prepare for an operation. Where can we find a kitchen table?

PROFESSOR/DOCTOR GRANT

Just a minute. We've got to scrub up. Nurse, where do we go to scrub up?

GINGER/NURSE

Walk this way, gentlemen.

Ginger/Nurse walks over to a partition at one side of the room. She sexily walks and moves the partition to reveal three scrub sinks.

SKIPPER/DOCTOR DILLON

We'll try and walk that way, ma'am, but I don't think we'll make it.

Ginger/Nurse waves the doctors over to the sinks. The doctors scramble with Skipper/Dr. Dillon barely holding the other two back.

SKIPPER/DOCTOR DILLON (cont'd)

No stampeding, now.

MARY ANN/MARY ANN FROBERSHER

Oh, isn't anybody gonna pay any attention to me? I'm the one who's sick!

Ginger/Nurse walks over to Mary Ann's bed. She removes a covering from the operating instrument tray to reveal an assortment of primitive, but still modern, operating tools. Mary Ann lies back on the bed.

MARY ANN/MARY ANN FROBERSHER (cont'd)

Oh. Please. Please, somebody help me.

Ginger/Nurse moves closer to Mary Ann and puts her hands on Mary Ann's shoulders.

GINGER/NURSE

I'll help you, honey.

MARY ANN/MARY ANN FROBERSHER

Oh. Get old Doctor Young or young Doctor Young! I'm too young to die. Oh, please help me.

GINGER/NURSE

Take it easy, you're gonna be all right. You're gonna be fine. Take it easy.

END DREAM SEQUENCE.

RIPPLE MATCH DISSOLVE TO:

INT. GIRLS HUT - NIGHT

Mary Ann sleeps in her bed. Skipper, Gilligan, and Professor stand at her bedside. Ginger sits on the edge of the bed and tries to rouse her by gently shaking her shoulders.

GINGER

Wake up. Wake up, honey. It's only a bad dream. Wake up.

Mary Ann opens her eyes and sits up.

MARY ANN

Where am I?

GINGER

You were having a dream. Pretty bad one from the way you were yelling.

MARY ANN

Oh, it wasn't a dream, Ginger. I ate some poison mushrooms.

PROFESSOR

That's why you had a nightmare. Mary Ann, those mushrooms weren't poisonous.

MARY ANN

Well, why were the three of you so nice to me?

Gilligan leans over to get closer to Mary Ann. He rests his arms on his legs.

GILLIGAN

You know. To make you forget Horace Higgenbothum.

MARY ANN

Horace? What's he got to do with it?

GILLIGAN

He got married.

MARY ANN

Horace Higgenbothum got married? Oh, the poor girl.

GINGER

"Poor girl"?

MARY ANN

Oh, Ginger, Horace is a real creep.

GILLIGAN

How come all those letters, all the ones I mailed?

Gilligan motions like throwing a message in a bottle into the ocean.

MARY ANN

I'm sorry about that, Gilligan. I guess I acted sort of foolish. Well, you see, Ginger has so many boyfriends, and Missus Howell has Mister Howell, and I just wanted somebody to think I had someone. So I invented a romance.

GILLIGAN

We all care for you.

SKIPPER

Well, certainly. You didn't have to scare us half to death to make us prove it.

MARY ANN

Oh, I guess you think I'm pretty silly, huh?

Gilligan stands up fully.

GILLIGAN

Silly? Just because you write a letter, and address it to a guy you hardly know, and stuff it in a bottle, and throw it in the ocean? Who would call that silly?

Gilligan and Skipper raise their hands. Ginger raises her hand. Professor follows suit. Finally, Mary Ann also raises her hand. They all laugh.

FADE OUT

END OF ACT TWO

TAG

FADE IN:

EXT. BOYS HUT - DAY

Gilligan sits at a small table cutting vegetables. A bowl with other vegetables sits on the table. Next to Gilligan sits a smaller table. On the smaller table rests a book. Skipper holds a bowl with vegetables and tends a pot over a fire. Skipper spoons vegetables into the pot. Mary Ann appears from around the end of the hut.

MARY ANN

Hi, boys. What's for dinner?

SKIPPER

Hi, Mary Ann. Mushrooms.

Skipper winks at Gilligan.

MARY ANN

What?!

SKIPPER

Oh, we're just kidding you, Mary Ann. I guess it'll be a long time before you'll eat another mushroom.

MARY ANN

Boy, you can say that again.

SKIPPER

It'll be a long time before --

Skipper laughs heartily and hugs Mary Ann with one arm.

GILLIGAN

You don't have to worry about mushrooms any more. I got a book that tells all about them.

SKIPPER

You do?

GILLIGAN

Uh-huh, yeah, and it's called, "How to Tell a Mushroom from a Toadstool" by the late Doctor Morton Keptstoned.

Skipper and Mary Ann look at each other.

MARY ANN

"The late"?

SKIPPER

"The late"?

Gilligan looks closer at the book.

GILLIGAN

"The late"?

Gilligan looks back at Skipper and Mary Ann.

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. GILLIGAN'S ISLAND - ESTABLISHING SHOT - DAY

FADE OUT.

THE END