The Skipper and Mr. Howell compete for leadership on the island through an election for “President.” When the castaways count their votes, the result is unexpected.
“President Gilligan”
By
Roland Wolpert
October 31, 1964
TEASER
FADE IN:
EXT. OCEAN BEACH - ESTABLISHING SHOT - DAY
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. WELL SITE - DAY
SHOVELS AND FEET
Professor and Skipper dig a shallow hole that is intended to be a well. The Skipper uses a bamboo shovel and the Professor uses a bamboo post hole digger-style shovel.
PAN UP to reveal Professor and Skipper dig the well.
PROFESSOR
Skipper, why don't we get Gilligan to help us with this well?
SKIPPER
Gilligan help? Professor, you've been out in the sun too long.
PROFESSOR
Well, all he'd have to do is dig. He can't do anything wrong if he's just digging.
SKIPPER
Yeah?
Skipper laughs.
SKIPPER (cont'd)
All right. Let's find out.
Skipper stops digging.
SKIPPER (cont'd)
Gilligan!
EXT. FUTURE HOWELLS HILLS ESTATE SITE - DAY
Mr. Howell explains to Gilligan the layout of the Howell Hills Estate that Mr. Howell will pay Gilligan to build. Mrs. Howell observes approvingly.
MR HOWELL
Now, nothing pretentious, Gilligan, you understand me now? A simple, flowing, fifteen-room mansion. Right, Lovey? I mean, we'll have four baths, you understand? And we'll have the -- the servant quarters will be over there.
Mr. Howell points to the back of the clearing.
SKIPPER (O.S.)
Gilligan!
GILLIGAN
Oh, that's the Skipper. I gotta run.
Gilligan turns to leave, but Mr. Howell stops him.
MR HOWELL
No, you'll do nothing of the sort. You see, we're planning the Howell Hills estate.
MRS HOWELL
And you don't want to get him in trouble with the Skipper, dear.
MR HOWELL
Lovey, we are no longer on shipboard.
(to Gilligan)
Uh, you see, now, this is exactly the way I want the little estate built, you see --
SKIPPER (O.S.)
Gilligan!
GILLIGAN
I gotta go. Later.
Gilligan turns to leave again, but Mr. Howell stops him again.
MR HOWELL
Stand your ground, Gilligan.
GILLIGAN
If I do, I'll be buried in it.
MRS HOWELL
Let the boy go, dear.
MR HOWELL
He is no longer a boy, Lovey. He is a man.
SKIPPER (O.S.)
Gilligan!
GILLIGAN
I'm a boy.
Gilligan turns to leave again, but Skipper, shovel in hand, walks up to them.
MR HOWELL
Skipper, you're interrupting a business conference. And besides, you're standing in the powder room.
SKIPPER
Powder room? Business conference? Gilligan, will you get over there and start digging?
GILLIGAN
Aye, aye, sir.
Gilligan takes a few steps.
MR HOWELL
Come back here, Gilligan.
Gilligan steps back.
SKIPPER
Get going, Gilligan.
Gilligan takes a few steps again.
MR HOWELL
Come back here, Gilligan!
Gilligan steps back.
SKIPPER
Get going, Gilligan!
Gilligan takes a few steps.
MR HOWELL
Come back here!
Gilligan steps back.
SKIPPER
(to Mr. Howell)
I gave him an order!
MR HOWELL
(to Skipper)
And I gave him a job!
GILLIGAN
I wish I were twins.
MRS HOWELL
Maybe we should toss a coin.
MR HOWELL
(irritated)
Coin?
MRS HOWELL
I mean a bill.
MR HOWELL
A bill.
Mr. Howell points to a dollar bill stuck on the end of a short bamboo pole which marks a spot in the Howell Hills Estate plan.
DOLLAR BILL
is affixed to the top of a bamboo stake.
BACK TO SCENE
SKIPPER
I'm having enough trouble running this island without a mutiny!
MR HOWELL
Well, who told you that you are running this island?
SKIPPER
I am the Skipper!
MR HOWELL
At sea, you're the Skipper! On land, I am Chairman of the Board!
The other castaways walk onto the future site of the Howell Hills Estate.
SKIPPER
Professor, will you tell these people who's in charge of this island?
PROFESSOR
Well, actually, no one is.
SKIPPER
No one?
MR HOWELL
No one? Good heavens, this is anarchy!
SKIPPER
It is not! I am in command!
MR HOWELL
No, I am running this island!
Mary Ann, disliking the yelling, covers her ears. Mrs. Howell plugs her ears with her gloved fingers. The Professor tries to calm them down.
PROFESSOR
Gentlemen, gentlemen.
Ginger moves forward.
GINGER
I've got an idea. I've got an idea. Why don't we vote? You know, like an election.
SKIPPER
An election?
The castaways begin talking among themselves. Mr. Howell is the most audible.
MR HOWELL
An election! That's wonderful! Yes! I'll spend millions on my campaign.
SKIPPER
That's unfair.
MR HOWELL
You're right. It is unfair. Instead, I'll buy the votes. Let me see.
Mr. Howell begins counting the castaways to determine how much it will cost him.
FADE OUT.
END OF TEASER
ACT ONE
FADE IN:
EXT. ISLAND BEACH - ESTABLISHING SHOT - DAY
EXT. JUNGLE CLEARING - DAY
The Professor addresses the castaways regarding the election rules.
PROFESSOR
And I know that it is going to be a good, clean, hard-fought battle right down to the wire.
Mr. Howell and Skipper close in on the Professor.
SKIPPER
That's right, Professor. There's no room for dirty politics on this island.
MR HOWELL
I think we can always make a little room for something like that, eh, Professor?
Mr. Howell needles Professor in the belly.
PROFESSOR
Just one thing at that. Let's get this election over with as soon as possible so we can all get back to work on the well.
SKIPPER
That's fine with me, Professor. I'm ready for that election any time now.
MR HOWELL
Wait a minute, Captain. When are you coming out of your smoke-filled hut and really face the issues, huh?
PROFESSOR
What issues, Mister Howell?
MR HOWELL
Well, I'm sure you'd like to know what my learned opponent thinks, for example, of slum clearance, of tideland oil drilling, of free school lunches!
PROFESSOR
But, Mister Howell --
MR HOWELL
I would like to meet him in face-to-face debate on public transportation, coconut conservation, and high-rise dwellings.
Skipper moves aggressively toward Mr. Howell.
SKIPPER
Now, see here Howell --
The Professor holds the Skipper back.
MR HOWELL
Now, wait a minute. You're going to have to face up to the issues, Captain, and you better give them some thought.
SKIPPER
In the first place, who's gonna ask a lot of stupid questions like that?
MR HOWELL
Missus Howell.
FLIP TO:
INT. HOWELLS HUT - DAY
Blankets are hung as curtains to make the hut appear as an election center. Mr. Howell practices his election speech.
MR HOWELL
And I beg of you, dear friends, do not place one more burden on the fragile shoulders of our dear gallant Captain, who lies sleepless in his bed at night -- sleepless in his bed at night --
MRS HOWELL
Ridden with guilt.
MR HOWELL
Thank you. Yes, yes. Ridden with guilt. Ridden with guilt about the shipwreck, which was his fault. Ridden with guilt about the loss of the transmitter, which was his fault. Filled with shame about his lack of qualities of leadership, which was his mother's fault. What this island needs is a President like me. One who is brave, true, loyal, devoted, and faithful. And, above all, modest.
FLIP TO:
EXT. JUNGLE CLEARING - DAY
Skipper practices his campaign speech with Gilligan.
SKIPPER
And I say to you, don't change leaders in mid-ocean. Elect me first President. The man who's first at sea, on land, and first father of your island.
Gilligan claps.
GILLIGAN
That was great, Skipper.
SKIPPER
You really think so, Gilligan?
GILLIGAN
Yeah. Only, can we vote for George Washington?
SKIPPER
George Washington?
GILLIGAN
Isn't that who you were talking about?
SKIPPER
No, Gilligan, I was talking about me.
(pause)
Why should people vote for me?
Gilligan shrugs.
GILLIGAN
I don't know.
SKIPPER
Well, think!
GILLIGAN
I got it. Because you're the Skipper, and you'll threaten them.
Skipper thinks about it momentarily.
SKIPPER
Oh, no, that won't work.
GILLIGAN
Works with me.
SKIPPER
But you're different.
GILLIGAN
I am?
SKIPPER
Well, certainly. You're my crew. I can threaten you. I've got to woo the voters.
GILLIGAN
You don't woo me. I'd rather be threatened.
SKIPPER
Not you, Gilligan! The girls.
Skipper smiles and adjusts his shirt collar.
FLIP TO:
EXT. GIRLS HUT - DAY
Skipper, holding a bouquet of flowers, calls on Ginger. As he approaches the door to the hut, he raps his fingers along the door. He passes the hut door, but calls through the palm frond walls.
SKIPPER
Ginger, are you home?
Ginger exits the hut and greets Skipper.
GINGER
(sultry)
Hello, Skipper.
SKIPPER
Lovely flowers for a lovely lady.
Ginger notices the flowers.
GINGER
Oh, gee, they're lovely.
But, she recognizes the flowers.
GINGER (cont'd)
Ooh!
(pause)
Those are the flowers the Professor said are poisonous.
SKIPPER
Poisonous?
Ginger nods.
SKIPPER (cont'd)
Poisonous?
Skipper tosses the flowers in the air and runs off. Ginger screams, backs up, and turns to watch the Skipper run into the jungle.
FLIP TO:
EXT. GIRLS HUT - DAY
Mary Ann stands outside the girls hut. Mr. Howell attempts to persuade her to vote for him.
MARY ANN
Shame on you.
MR HOWELL
What did I do?
MARY ANN
Trying to buy my vote.
MR HOWELL
Well, I did nothing of the kind, Mary Ann. It's perfectly proper for a presidential candidate to want to hire a secretary.
Mr. Howell removes his glasses.
MARY ANN
At fifty thousand dollars a year?
MR HOWELL
Well, good secretaries are hard to find.
MARY ANN
I'm not even a good secretary, Mister Howell. As a matter of fact, I'm not even a secretary. I'm only a clerk.
MR HOWELL
A clerk? Oh, a clerk? In that case, a hundred thousand.
Mary Ann scowls at Mr. Howell and turns away.
MR HOWELL (cont'd)
Group insurance? Fringe benefits?
FLIP TO:
EXT. CAMP - DAY
Mr. Howell stands outside the shower stall. Ginger showers inside. Overhead is a water bucket with a rope attached. The rope must be pulled to dump water on the occupant of the shower stall. Ginger pulls on the rope and water dumps on her head.
MR HOWELL
I am not going to insult your intelligence by attempting to bribe you.
Ginger sticks her head out between the curtains on the shower. She wears a shower cap.
GINGER
Gee, Mister Howell, I don't see what one thing has to do with the other.
Ginger pulls her head back inside the shower.
MR HOWELL
Are you suggesting that perhaps you could be bribed?
Ginger sticks her head back out.
GINGER
Everybody says I've got an open mind.
Ginger pulls her head back inside the SHOWER.
MR HOWELL
Ginger, off this island, I'm a very wealthy and important man. As a matter of fact, I'm thinking of buying Hollywood.
Ginger sticker her head back out.
GINGER
Hollywood?
MR HOWELL
Yes. Don't you think you ought to have a star on your dressing room door?
GINGER
Oh gee, Mister Howell, I mean, Mister President.
Ginger pulls her head back inside the shower.
FLIP TO:
EXT. JUNGLE CLEARING - DAY
Gilligan stands by a tree trunk.
GINGER
Gilligan?
Gilligan turns to look and does a double-take as he sees Ginger.
GINGER (cont'd)
(sultry)
Hello.
Gilligan walks toward Ginger and looks around to see if anybody else is there.
GILLIGAN
Who're you talking to?
GINGER
(sultry)
You.
GILLIGAN
Me?
Gilligan backs up.
GINGER
(sultry)
You're the only one here, aren't you?
Ginger pushes closer to Gilligan. Gilligan tries to maintain his personal space and slowly steps back as Ginger advances.
GILLIGAN
Yeah, but I'm just me.
GINGER
(sultry)
I know.
Ginger glances at Gilligan's lips. Gilligan becomes a little nervous.
GILLIGAN
But you've never been so friendly to me before.
GINGER
(sultry)
There's always a first time for everything,
(glances at his lips)
isn't there?
GILLIGAN
I must be dreaming.
GINGER
(sultry)
Pinch yourself and see.
GILLIGAN
Yeah.
(pinches)
Ow. No, I'm here. And I just remembered. I'm campaigning. Vote for the Skipper.
Gilligan nods.
GINGER
(sultry)
Gilligan?
GILLIGAN
(bashfully)
Yeah?
Ginger continues to push forward. Gilligan continues his retreat.
GINGER
(sultry)
Come here. Come closer, Gilligan.
Gilligan is pushed up against the palm tree. Ginger continues to move in closer.
GINGER (cont'd)
(sultry)
Gilligan, would you do me an extra special favor?
Gilligan glances at Ginger's lips.
GINGER (cont'd)
(sultry)
Vote for Howell.
Ginger brings her finger to her lips, kisses it, and then moves to press her finger to Gilligan's lips. Gilligan quickly turns his head away and hits the tree he's backed up against with a loud WHACK. Gilligan slides down the tree to the ground. Ginger gives an aside glance and shrugs.
WIPE TO:
EXT. JUNGLE CLEARING - DAY
Skipper holds a paint brush, a small container of paint, and carries a stemmed flower in his teeth. He examines his work from a distance. The campaign sign reads "Don't Change Skippers." He places the flower on the sign.
WIPE TO:
EXT. LAGOON - DAY
Skipper and Gilligan balance on a platform floating in the lagoon. They hold the "Don't Change Skippers" sign. Skipper admires his work and reads the sign.
SKIPPER
"Don't change Skippers."
(pause)
Gilligan, get me the paint can.
Gilligan turns, holds his pant legs up, and tip-toes across the water to fetch the paint can on the lagoon shore.
GILLIGAN
Yes, sir.
Gilligan picks up the paint can. He tip toes back to the floating platform.
SKIPPER
Gilligan, you can't just walk on the water.
GILLIGAN
No, Skipper, I'm walking on this board.
(points)
See?
SKIPPER
Oh.
Skipper points at a gap between the board and the platform.
SKIPPER (cont'd)
Well, the board ends there. Don't step out there.
GILLIGAN
No, sir.
Gilligan steps onto the platform, but trips. He falls into Skipper and both of them tumble into the lagoon. Skipper lifts the sign to ensure that it does not fall near them. Skipper and Gilligan swim in the lagoon. The paint can fell on Gilligan, which he wears like a hat.
WIPE TO:
EXT. FUTURE HOWELLS HILLS ESTATE SITE - DAY
Gilligan and Mr. Howell walk in the clearing where the mansion will be built.
MR HOWELL
Gilligan, my boy, have you ever thought about yourself?
GILLIGAN
Have I ever thought what about myself?
MR HOWELL
What I mean is, what you want to be in life.
GILLIGAN
Oh, sure. Sometimes I lie awake at night and I think -- if I try hard and obey the Skipper's orders, maybe someday I'll be a Junior Petty Officer.
MR HOWELL
Gilligan, how would you like to be Secretary of the Navy?
GILLIGAN
Secretary of the Navy? You got to be kidding. I don't even know how to tie a knot.
MR HOWELL
You're just being modest.
GILLIGAN
No, I'm not.
(points)
Look.
Gilligan and Mr. Howell look down at Gilligan's sneakers.
GILLIGAN'S UNTIED SNEAKERS
Gilligan's sneaker's laces are untied.
BACK TO SCENE
MR HOWELL
Well, I mean, whoever heard of the Secretary of the Navy tying his own knots? I'll assign some able-bodied seaman to perform such menial chores for you.
GILLIGAN
(skeptically)
Where are we gonna find an able-bodied seaman?
MR HOWELL
(as an aside)
Here comes one now.
Gilligan is slightly startled as Skipper joins them.
SKIPPER
Gilligan, why are you talking to Howell?
GILLIGAN
I'm sorry, Skipper.
MR HOWELL
Don't be afraid, Gilligan. In a few hours, he'll be working for you.
Mr. Howell winks at Gilligan.
SKIPPER
What?
GILLIGAN
He means --
MR HOWELL
What I mean is, when I am President, Gilligan is going to be Secretary of the Navy.
SKIPPER
Secretary of the Navy? Gilligan is going to be Sec--
Skipper laughs. Gilligan looks hurt at Skipper's laugh at his expense.
SKIPPER (cont'd)
Well, why aren't you laughing, Gilligan?
Skipper continues laughing.
GILLIGAN
I was thinking how nice it would be to have someone to tie my shoelaces.
Skipper realizes that Gilligan might not be in his corner after all. He stops laughing, pauses, and looks down at Gilligan's untied laces.
GILLIGAN'S UNTIED SHOES
Gilligan, embarrassed by his inability to tie his own shoelaces, sheepishly covers one shoe with the other.
BACK TO SCENE
Skipper looks at Mr. Howell. Mr. Howell glaces down at Gilligan's sneakers and then looks away to avoid Skipper's gaze.
FLIP TO:
EXT. CAMP - DAY
The shower stall has been converted into an election booth. A sign reads "Election Booth." The Professor tests the pull cords on the shower curtain to be certain they work properly.
PROFESSOR
All right, folks. Seven pieces of paper have been initialed by all seven of us. These are the official ballots. Now think carefully before marking them, because what you write on your ballot counts. Now, who wants to vote first?
Gilligan raises his hand with his index finger extended.
GILLIGAN
I do.
Skipper grabs Gilligan's arm.
SKIPPER
Women and children first, that's what I stand for.
MR HOWELL
See what I mean? Who wants a President who would let children vote?
MARY ANN
I'll vote first, Professor.
Mary Ann takes a ballot from the Professor.
PROFESSOR
Ginger, you're next.
Professor hands a ballot to Ginger.
MR HOWELL
A star is born.
Ginger smiles, pivots, and walks to the election booth. Skipper walks up to Mr. Howell.
SKIPPER
What was all that about?
MR HOWELL
Inside joke.
FLIP TO:
EXT. CAMP - DAY
Skipper pulls the curtain open and exits the election booth. Skipper walks over to the other side of the clearing. He brings Gilligan to the election booth.
SKIPPER
Gilligan, I want you to get in there and vote, but before you do, I want you to think about all the things that I've done for you.
GILLIGAN
Aye, aye, sir.
Gilligan turns to enter the election booth. Skipper grabs his arm and stops him.
SKIPPER
Oh, wait a minute, Gilligan. On second thought, maybe you better not think about all the things.
Skipper laughs. Mr. Howell walks up to Gilligan and Skipper.
MR HOWELL
Remember, once you pull that cord, no man can tell you how to vote, Mister Secretary.
Mr. Howell points to Gilligan's untied shoes. Mr. Howell folds his arms. Gilligan hesitates, turns, and enters the election booth. Mr. Howell and Skipper turn their backs to the election booth.
Gilligan looks back with an annoyed expression at Mr. Howell and the Skipper. Gilligan fumbles with the cord to close the curtain.
Instead of pulling the cord to close the curtain, Gilligan pulls the cord to dump water for the shower. The water pours out, drenching Gilligan. Mr. Howell and Skipper hear the water and turn toward the voting booth to see Gilligan soaked with water. Gilligan spits out water.
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. CAMP - DAY
Skipper holds the ballot box and dumps water out of it. He places it on a small table. Gilligan sits on an upright log.
SKIPPER
Quiet down now, everybody. There you are, Professor.
Skipper removes a knife from his pocket and cuts through the vines securing the ballot box.
MARY ANN
Gilligan, you're shivering.
GILLIGAN
(shivering)
I'll be all right in a m-m-minute.
Mary Ann briskly rubs Gilligan to warm him up. The Professor removes the top from the ballot box and sets on the ground next to the table .
PROFESSOR
All right. Now, the first ballot --
The Professor digs in the ballot box and pulls out a ballot.
PROFESSOR (cont'd)
-- is for the Skipper!
GILLIGAN
Yea!
Gilligan CLAPS. Skipper drapes a blanket over Gilligan's shoulders.
SKIPPER
This will keep you warm, little buddy.
Professor pulls out another ballot.
PROFESSOR
The second ballot is for Mister Howell.
GINGER
(gleefully)
Ooh!
Ginger CLAPS. Gilligan CLAPS.
GILLIGAN
Yea.
Skipper removes the blanket from Gilligan's shoulders and throws it over his own shoulders. Mr. Howell removes his suit coat and places it over Gilligan's shoulders.
MR HOWELL
Mister Secretary, warmsy-warmsy.
Professor removes another ballot from the ballot box.
PROFESSOR
The third ballot is
(pause)
for the Skipper --
Mr. Howell removes his suit coat from Gilligan's shoulders and puts it back on.
PROFESSOR (cont'd)
-- who now leads, two-to-one. The fourth ballot is for Mister Howell.
Ginger CLAPS.
GINGER
Oh, yippee!
MRS HOWELL
Isn't that exciting? Now it's two all.
PROFESSOR
The fifth ballot is
(reads)
a write-in vote for
(pause)
Gilligan?
SKIPPER/MR HOWELL
Let me see that!
Skipper and Mr. Howell grab opposite edges of the wet ballot and tear it in half. They place the halves together to read the ballot.
MR HOWELL
Why, that's Lovey's handwriting.
MRS HOWELL
Yes, it is. I decided that it was time you let somebody else run everything. Then we could have that honeymoon you've been promising me all these years.
MR HOWELL
(to Mrs. Howell)
Why, you romantic schemer, you.
(pause)
Later.
(to Professor)
Election.
PROFESSOR
The vote is tied at two and two.
MARY ANN
And one for Gilligan.
PROFESSOR
Well, I hardly think it's necessary to mention that, Mary Ann.
SKIPPER
Certainly, Mary Ann.
Professor removes another ballot from the ballot box.
PROFESSOR
The sixth ballot is for
(pause)
Gilligan.
MARY ANN
Gilligan is my man, too.
Gilligan is astonished that he has two votes.
PROFESSOR
The vote still stands at two votes for the Skipper and two for Mister Howell.
MARY ANN
And two write-in votes for Gilligan.
Professor looks in the ballot box for another ballot. The castaways lean in.
PROFESSOR
The deciding vote
(looks for ballot)
is missing.
MARY ANN
Missing?
GILLIGAN
Oh, yeah. I've got it right here.
Gilligan removes the ballot from his pants pocket and hands the ballot to the Professor.
SKIPPER
What's the matter, Gilligan? Isn't our ballot box good enough for you?
Professor unfolds the ballot.
GILLIGAN
I was afraid it might get wet.
SKIPPER
That means that I win.
The Professor reads the ballot.
MR HOWELL
That means I'm elected.
PROFESSOR
I'm sorry, gentlemen. You've both lost.
SKIPPER
Well, that's impossible.
MR HOWELL
Well, then who is President?
All of them realize that if neither Skipper nor Mr. Howell had a majority of votes, Gilligan must have voted for himself and won the election. Mary Ann beams with admiration.
SKIPPER
Gilligan?
The castaways are stunned.
GILLIGAN
President Gilligan.
Gilligan shivers.
FADE OUT.
END OF ACT ONE
ACT TWO
FADE IN:
EXT. OCEAN BEACH - ESTABLISHING SHOT - DAY
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. BOYS HUT - DAY
Broom and a small board as a dustpan in hand, Gilligan bends down and scoops up sand from the floor of the hut. He walks over to the door and tosses it outside just as Skipper enters. The sand hits Skipper in the belly.
SKIPPER
Gilligan, what are you doing?
GILLIGAN
I was cleaning up the White House.
Skipper tries to grab the broom from Gilligan.
SKIPPER
Give me that broom.
Gilligan and Skipper each grab the broom handle higher and higher until Gilligan puts his hand on the very top. Skipper finally grabs the broom away from Gilligan.
SKIPPER (cont'd)
Is this any sort of a job for the President to be doing?
GILLIGAN
I don't know. I've never been a President before.
Gilligan walks over to a small table.
GILLIGAN (cont'd)
Look, Skipper, I didn't mean to win the election.
Gilligan picks up the table along with the coconut that sits on top of it.
GILLIGAN (cont'd)
Honest, I was on your side.
Gilligan attempts to give the Skipper the table with the coconut on top as they back toward the door.
SKIPPER
There's no need to apologize. I just came by here to offer my congratulations. Now people have made their choice, and whether it is right or wrong, we're stuck with it.
Skipper finally grasps the table.
GILLIGAN
Maybe we ought to count the votes again to make sure I won.
Gilligan walks over to a table with a vase, flowers, a bowl, and a conch shell.
SKIPPER
There's no need to do that, either. Howell and I have counted them four times already.
GILLIGAN
Well, I sure feel awful about winning, especially when I wasn't even running.
Gilligan adds the bowl and conch shell to the table that Skipper is holding.
SKIPPER
The fact is you did win, Gilligan, and that's why I'm here. I can hardly call myself a friend if I didn't give you a word of warning.
Gilligan adds the flowers to Skipper's table.
GILLIGAN
A word of warning? About what?
SKIPPER
The power seekers.
Mr. Howell appears through the hut window, sneakily rising to look inside the hut.
SKIPPER (cont'd)
Men who'll seek you out, call themselves friends. They'll flatter you, they'll fawn on you. These men are dangerous. All they want is a high position in your government. These men are not to be trusted and you've got to guard against them.
GILLIGAN
Guard against them how?
SKIPPER
Well, that's where I come in. You just leave it to me. That's part of my job as second-in-command.
SKIPPER (cont'd)
I can't tell you who these men are, but --
MR HOWELL
Hello there.
SKIPPER
-- here comes one of them now.
MR HOWELL
I just stopped by to offer you my heartiest congratulations --
Gilligan extends his hand to shake. Instead of shaking hands, Mr. Howell removes his hat and turns his back to them.
MR HOWELL (cont'd)
-- on your rather shocking victory.
Gilligan withdraws his unshaken hand and rubs it with the other.
GILLIGAN
Yeah, it was kind of a surprise to me, too.
MR HOWELL
Yes, the way I look at it, --
Mr. Howell points to Skipper, the gesture partially hidden by his hat.
MR HOWELL (cont'd)
-- it could have been worse.
SKIPPER
If you're finished, Howell, the President and I are busy setting up a new administration.
MR HOWELL
That's exactly why I'm here.
SKIPPER
That's exactly what I thought.
MR HOWELL
Oh, oh, Mister President, before I forget --
Mr. Howell reaches into his pocket and pulls out a small box. He opens the box and hands it to Gilligan.
MR HOWELL (cont'd)
-- here's a small, but terribly expensive, little token of my esteem.
Gilligan takes the small box of solid gold cuff links. He turns to Skipper.
GILLIGAN
A box of esteemed tokens.
Gilligan turns back to Mr. Howell.
GILLIGAN (cont'd)
Thanks, Mister Howell.
MR HOWELL
No, no, no.
Mr. Howell demonstrates where Gilligan will have to be pierced to wear the solid gold cuff links.
MR HOWELL (cont'd)
You see, they're solid gold cuff links. You'll have to have your wrists pierced.
GILLIGAN
Mister Howell, I don't know how to thank you.
SKIPPER
(as an aside)
That's what he's just about to tell you, Gilligan.
MR HOWELL
Well, I don't expect thanks. I came by to pay my respects, and to offer my humble service to whatever high office the President might designate.
Gilligan smiles.
SKIPPER
Howell, I must admit, I'm surprised by your attitude.
Mr. Howell bows.
MR HOWELL
The leader's wish is but my command.
Skipper hands Mr. Howell the broom.
SKIPPER
Then, here. You can start by cleaning up the White House. That ought to be humble enough.
MR HOWELL
Just exactly who do you think you are?
SKIPPER
I'm the Vice President!
MR HOWELL
The Vice President? Well, how did you get that job?
SKIPPER
By getting here before you did!
Gilligan holds up the open box of cuff links.
GILLIGAN
Mister Howell, do you want your cuff links back?
MR HOWELL
Do you think I'm the kind of man who would take back a bribe, sir?
GILLIGAN
I'd like to give you something in return.
MR HOWELL
Well, I expect to get something in return. What exactly do you have open?
Gilligan points toward his sneakers.
GILLIGAN
Do you know how to make a good knot?
Gilligan turns to the Skipper.
GILLIGAN (cont'd)
Skipper, what kind of job can we give Mister Howell?
Skipper puts his arm around Gilligan's shoulders.
SKIPPER
We have, uh, the Secretary of Labor, the Secretary of Defense, Secretary of State --
Mr. Howell frowns at each suggestion.
GILLIGAN
Yeah, you could be one of those secretaries. You know how to take shorthand typing?
MR HOWELL
No. You see, Mister President, I think with my background the ideal job for me would be Chief Justice of the Supreme Court.
Skipper removes his arm from Gilligan's shoulders.
SKIPPER
But that's a very important position. Have you had any legal experience?
MR HOWELL
The government has convicted me six times on antitrust suits and I've been investigated every year for income tax evasion.
GILLIGAN
That's good enough for me. How about you, Skipper?
SKIPPER
Any man who can stay out of jail with that record like that's got to know something about the law.
MR HOWELL
Indeed I do. Now the first thing on my agenda --
Mr. Howell looks around to see if anyone is listening.
MR HOWELL (cont'd)
(sotto)
-- is to investigate a plot to overthrow the government.
GILLIGAN
What plot to overthrow the government?
MR HOWELL
The one I started right after the election.
Mr. Howell laughs heartily.
MR HOWELL (cont'd)
See you at the inaugural luau, Mister President.
On his way out of the hut, Mr. Howell swats Gilligan on the rear with his hat. Astonished, Gilligan's jaw drops.
FLIP TO:
EXT. CAMP - NIGHT
The Howells, Ginger, and Professor are seated at the dining table with Gilligan. Behind them is the hut. Skipper stands to introduce Gilligan.
SKIPPER
It is my honor to introduce to you a man known to us all, a man respected for his courage, his dedication of duty, his leadership. A true giant among men. Our President, Gilligan!
MR HOWELL
Yeah, Mister President.
Mary Ann exits the hut and brings out a tray of food.
MR HOWELL (cont'd)
Bravo, bravo. Speech, speech, speech.
GILLIGAN
Ladies and gentlemen, and honored guests. I accept the responsibility that you've given me --
Mary Ann interrupts with the tray of food.
MARY ANN
Come on, everybody, eat, please, while it's, while it's still hot. But --
Mary Ann realizes she interrupted President Gilligan's speech.
MARY ANN (cont'd)
-- Oh, I'm sorry, Gilligan. I mean, Mister President.
Mary Ann sits down at the dining table.
GILLIGAN
That's okay, folks. You go ahead and finish dinner. I -- I just jotted down a few things I wanted to say and --
Gilligan looks over the dining table for this speech.
GILLIGAN (cont'd)
It was right here a minute ago.
Mr. Howell wipes his mouth with Gilligan's speech as if it were a napkin.
GILLIGAN (cont'd)
Mister Howell, excuse me, but that napkin, I think it's my speech.
MR HOWELL
Oh, yes. It tastes a little inky.
Gilligan clears his throat.
GILLIGAN
First of all --
Ginger and Professor each peel a banana.
MR HOWELL
Uh-uh, would you pass me that guava sauce?
GILLIGAN
Sure, Mister Howell.
Skipper hands a small cup of guava sauce to Gilligan, who passes it to Mr. Howell.
MR HOWELL
Shot of it, please.
GILLIGAN
There you are, sir.
MR HOWELL
Thank you.
GILLIGAN
You're welcome. Now --
SKIPPER
Would you pass this down, please? Thank you.
Skipper hands a plate to Gilligan to pass.
GILLIGAN
You're welcome.
Gilligan realizes the plate is hot.
GILLIGAN (cont'd)
It's hot. Here, Professor, Professor, here!
Gilligan hands the plate to the Professor.
PROFESSOR
Thank you, Gilligan.
GILLIGAN
(to Professor)
You're welcome.
(to castaways)
Well, now down to the important business. As you all know, our water supply is getting short and we have to pitch in and build a well.
MRS HOWELL
Oh, I wish I knew who cooked these jellied sand dabs.
GINGER
Oh, I did, Missus Howell. Do you like them?
MRS HOWELL
Oh, they're delicious. Thurston, you must try them. You'd believe you were at Antoine's.
Ginger touches Mr. Howell's arm and grips it gently.
GINGER
(seductively)
Yes, you must try my jellied sand dabs.
GILLIGAN
Now about the jellied sand-- I mean, about digging the well. Now look, folks, if we all pitch in, I figure we can dig that well in --
Gilligan gestures with his index finger.
GILLIGAN (cont'd)
-- one day. Now --
SKIPPER
Ah, this is the best meal I've had since I've been on the island.
MARY ANN
Thank you, Skipper.
SKIPPER
I've gotta take a walk.
Skipper and Mary Ann get up from the dining table.
MARY ANN
Ginger. Ginger, please give me that recipe when you get a chance.
GINGER
Oh, I will, Mary Ann.
GILLIGAN
Digging the well should go --
The Howells get up from the dining table and exit.
GILLIGAN (cont'd)
We have to have fresh water. Please, Mister and Missus Howell.
Finally Ginger and Professor get up and exit. Gilligan tries to get their attention and climbs up on the dining table and his hands and knees.
GILLIGAN (cont'd)
Ginger -- Professor -- Professor, as Secretary of Agriculture, I think it's necessary that you should find out where we should dig the well.
Gilligan is left alone, wondering where everybody went.
FLIP TO:
INT. SUPPLY HUT - DAY
Gilligan paces in his Presidential office. A flag made of a tropical patterned cloth hangs on a pole. A long desk has a sign reading "Mr. President" at one end. At the other end is a chair and a writing surface.
Gilligan picks up a conch shell and blows into it, BLASTING like a horn.
Gilligan sits down at his desk, pulls out the quill from the ink well, and pretends to write. Mrs. Howell enters. She holds a notepad and wears secretarial eyeglasses.
MRS HOWELL
You rang, Mister President?
GILLIGAN
Yeah, Missus Howell. It's almost after four o'clock.
(glances at watch)
Has anybody come to see me?
MRS HOWELL
No, they haven't, Mister President.
GILLIGAN
Maybe somebody stopped by while you were away from your desk.
MRS HOWELL
I haven't left that oil drum all day, Mister President.
GILLIGAN
What's my schedule for tomorrow?
Mrs. Howell checks her NOTEPAD.
MRS HOWELL
I'll check here. Well, there's nothing in the morning,
(cheerfully)
but in the afternoon,
(deadpan)
you haven't got anything.
GILLIGAN
What time is my Cabinet meeting?
MRS HOWELL
Five o'clock, but the Vice President canceled it. He had a fishing date with the Chief Justice.
GILLIGAN
Where's the rest of my Cabinet?
MRS HOWELL
They're all swimming in the lagoon. All except the Secretary of Health and Welfare.
GILLIGAN
Good, what's she doing?
MRS HOWELL
Her hair.
Frustrated, Gilligan throws down the quill. Gilligan stands, and pounds his fist down on the desk, hitting the ink well and spilling it over his hand and the desk.
GILLIGAN
Well, somebody's gotta dig that well.
Gilligan looks down at his hand covered in ink.
MRS HOWELL
You're right, Mister President. You're absolutely right.
FLIP TO:
INT. BOYS HUT - DAY
Skipper rearranges crates, boxes, and other items in the hut. Gilligan carries a bamboo shovel and enters through the hut door.
GILLIGAN
Skipper, you got a minute?
SKIPPER
Sure, Gilligan, come on in. That is, Mister President.
GILLIGAN
Skipper, I need your help. I'm worried. I'm real worried about that well.
SKIPPER
You look worried.
GILLIGAN
I do?
SKIPPER
Sure do. And frankly, I've been worried about you.
GILLIGAN
You have?
SKIPPER
Yes, but I don't want you to worry about that. You've enough to worry about without worrying about the way you look, which is terrible.
GILLIGAN
Really?
Gilligan feels his face, as if he can feel "looking terrible" with his hands.
SKIPPER
But, Gilligan, never mind that. Take a look at this hut. Now, does this look like the office of a Vice President?
GILLIGAN
No, Skipper, it doesn't.
SKIPPER
It is beneath our dignity, isn't it?
GILLIGAN
Yes, sir, it is.
SKIPPER
Right.
Skipper picks up a set of crates and hands them to Gilligan.
SKIPPER (cont'd)
Now can you help me with this junk?
Gilligan takes the crates.
GILLIGAN
Sure, Skipper, but about the well, Skipper...
Skipper hands Gilligan a pair of crates.
GILLIGAN (cont'd)
Skipper? About the ...
Skipper stacks two vegetable boxes on top of the crates that Gilligan is holding.
SKIPPER
What seems to be the problem?
GILLIGAN
Skipper, our old water supply is running low and we gotta dig a new well quick.
Skipper stacks two more vegetable boxes on top.
SKIPPER
That's not too heavy for you, is it?
GILLIGAN
(straining)
No.
Skipper adds a naval rope to Gilligan's burden.
SKIPPER
Just put this rope on there and if you would step over in the corner here --
Skipper turns Gilligan and moves him to another corner of the hut.
SKIPPER (cont'd)
-- we'll put it right in that corner. That's it. There we go, Gilligan.
GILLIGAN
About the water situation, sir.
SKIPPER
Ooh, you're having a problem with the water?
GILLIGAN
Yeah, Skipper, same problem.
SKIPPER
Wait a minute, Gilligan.
GILLIGAN
Yeah?
SKIPPER
I got an idea.
GILLIGAN
Yeah?
SKIPPER
I think I'll put my desk over here. Would you bring this back over and put it on this wall?
GILLIGAN
Wherever you want, Skipper. But we gotta make a decision about the well.
SKIPPER
Now, Mister President, have you made any decisions about the well?
GILLIGAN
Uh-huh.
SKIPPER
And what are you going to do?
GILLIGAN
I'm gonna drop these boxes.
Gilligan drops the crates, vegetable boxes, and rope. As they tumble to the floor, they spill over onto the Skipper's foot.
SKIPPER
Oof!
GILLIGAN
And I'm gonna go see the Chief Justice.
SKIPPER
(pained)
Oh, Gilligan.
GILLIGAN
About the well.
Gilligan exits the hut.
FLIP TO:
INT. HOWELLS HUT - DAY
Mr. Howell snoozes on his bed with his hat over this face. Gilligan enters between the blankets covering the door, shovel in hand. Gilligan removes Mr. Howell's HAT to talk with him. Mr. Howell is startled and rouses.
GILLIGAN
I hate to disturb you, Chief Justice.
MR HOWELL
Well, that's all right. Never, never too busy to talk to the -- the President.
GILLIGAN
I want to ask you your opinion about that well we have to dig.
MR HOWELL
Oh, the well. Well, I've been lying here and giving that a lot of consideration. Now, the similar case of Fletcher versus Bronson, you see, the Municipal Court upheld a previous ruling...
Gilligan frowns.
MR HOWELL (cont'd)
... and uh, and found for the defendant. And even after the case was appealed, the court refused to reverse the decision in spite of the new evidence. I've taken all of that into consideration.
GILLIGAN
What have you decided to do?
MR HOWELL
And I've decided to give it a little more thought.
Mr. Howell takes his hat back from Gilligan and puts it over his face.
MR HOWELL (cont'd)
Nighty night.
Gilligan frowns in disappointment at Mr. Howell's answer.
FLIP TO:
INT. GIRLS HUT - DAY
Gilligan, shovel in hand, enters through blankets.
GILLIGAN
Hi. I hate to barge in like this, but I figure maybe you can help me. I went to see the Vice President at first but he was so busy fixing up his office that he couldn't help me and I went to see the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court but he gots lots of problems, too. I mean, in the case of Fletcher and Bronson and even have to appeal it and it got very complicated so I was hoping that something you could do.
Gilligan inhales and exhales.
GINGER
(sultry)
Let me see. There must be something I could do.
GILLIGAN
About the well.
Ginger kisses her finger and moves to press it to Gilligan's lips. Gilligan turns away and hits his head on a bamboo post and slides to the ground. Ginger watches him slide down and then Ginger gives an aside glance and shrugs.
FLIP TO:
EXT. WELL SITE - DAY
Mary Ann and Skipper listen to President Gilligan. Mary Ann plays with her ponytail. Gilligan stands in the well hole and digs the well.
GILLIGAN
I'm gonna make this meeting short as possible. I know we've all had a busy day.
Mr. Howell raises his glass as a toast.
MR HOWELL
Hear, hear.
GILLIGAN
Unless the well is finished, we're going to run out of drinking water.
SKIPPER
That's very true, Mister President. We certainly do need a well.
GILLIGAN
That's exactly my thinking, Skipper.
MARY ANN
And we're behind you all the way, Mister President.
Gilligan continues digging.
GINGER
You're the best President we ever elected.
GILLIGAN
Thanks, Ginger.
GINGER
(to Mr. Howell)
I mean, even if I don't get a star on my dressing room door.
MR HOWELL
Uh, we're with you, sir.
Mr. Howell holds a glass and slightly raises it in a toast.
GILLIGAN
Then how about helping me dig the well?
MARY ANN
Oh, I can't help you, Mister President. I'm in the midst of settling a strike.
Mary Ann looks in Ginger's direction.
GILLIGAN
What strike?
MARY ANN
Oh, the Secretary of Health and Welfare won't help me in the kitchen any more.
GINGER
Well, I'm not on strike. I have my own work to do now. How can I wash the dishes and build a hospital at the same time?
GILLIGAN
A hospital? What for? We don't even have a doctor!
GINGER
Well, but when the hospital's finished, I'm going to build a medical school.
MR HOWELL
Don't count on me, sir. I'm involved in a very serious judicial matter.
GILLIGAN
What are you working on now, Mister Howell?
MR HOWELL
Your impeachment!
SKIPPER
What? You're trying to impeach the President? On what grounds?
MR HOWELL
Well, he accepted a bribe from a sort of a power mad favor seeker! That's what it is.
SKIPPER
I never gave him a dime!
MR HOWELL
Well, I did! I gave him a pair of solid gold cuff links!
SKIPPER
That's a pretty serious charge, Mister Howell. Do you have any witnesses?
MR HOWELL
Well, I certainly do. I happen to have five of them!
SKIPPER
That's impossible! I was the only one in the room at that time that he took the bribe.
MR HOWELL
A-ha! There you are. Thank you very much. I'm gonna call you as a witness at the impeachment proceedings.
SKIPPER
Why do you want to impeach a President that's doing such a good job for us?
MR HOWELL
Oh, nonsense! There's no water down there.
GILLIGAN
Mister Howell, I've had it. You don't have to impeach me. I quit!
Gilligan takes the shovel and drives it hard to the bottom of the well hole. Water sprays out of the well hole, drenching all of them. Mary Ann excitedly hugs Skipper.
FADE OUT.
END OF ACT TWO
TAG
FADE IN:
EXT. ISLAND BEACH - ESTABLISHING SHOT - DAY
EXT. CAMP - DAY
The castaways sit at the dining table. Gilligan stands up.
SKIPPER
Quiet down now, folks. President Gilligan would like to say a few words.
Gilligan holds several pages of notes.
GILLIGAN
Thank you. First of all, I want to thank you for attending this Cabinet meeting.
GINGER
You're welcome.
MRS HOWELL
We love to be here.
PROFESSOR
Delighted to be here.
GILLIGAN
And now that we've solved the water problem I think we ought to get to work on our next project: a lookout tower.
SKIPPER
Lookout tower? That's an excellent idea, Mister President.
MR HOWELL
Oh, you mean a high-rise sort of thing?
MRS HOWELL
That sounds marvelous. What is it?
GILLIGAN
If we build a real tall lookout tower a ship or a plane might spot us and we'd be rescued.
SKIPPER
Excellent.
The castaways exclaim at Gilligan's grand idea.
SKIPPER (cont'd)
We could be rescued.
PROFESSOR
Good, good, wonderful, Gilligan.
GILLIGAN
I'm glad you all like the idea. I have the bamboo poles and vines right there.
(points)
And we can begin construction right now. Mister Howell --
Mr. Howell stands up.
MR HOWELL
Oh, no, I have to go, Mr. President. A lot of cases on the docket. Supreme Court decisions can't wait, you know.
GILLIGAN
Missus Howell?
Mrs. Howell stands up and follows Mr. Howell.
MRS HOWELL
Um, I have to go and take dictation from Mister Howell.
The Howells exit.
GILLIGAN
Professor, do you think --
The Professor gets up from the dining table.
PROFESSOR
I'm sorry, Mister President. I've got a scientific report to finish.
The Professor exits.
GILLIGAN
Mary Ann?
Mary Ann gets up from the dining table.
MARY ANN
I think I'd better check the food supply.
Mary Ann exits.
GILLIGAN
Ginger, do you --
Ginger gets up too.
GINGER
I have to wash my hair, Gilligan.
Ginger exits.
GILLIGAN
Skipper, do you think --
Skipper stands up too.
SKIPPER
Well, it's just the idea, Mister President. You've done some wonderful things for the island. And everybody's behind you a hundred percent.
GILLIGAN
I sure hope I can get re-elected.
Skipper pats Gilligan on the back and laughs heartily.
SKIPPER
Oh, I'm sure you will be. Do a good job, Gilligan.
Skipper exits.
GILLIGAN
Now, we all --
Gilligan realizes no one else is left. He sits down and looks disappointed that everyone abandoned him.
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. GILLIGAN'S ISLAND - ESTABLISHING SHOT - DAY
FADE OUT.
THE END